Twinked

I’ve been wanting a Twinkie, of all things, for many weeks now. Save your breath. I already know it’s only sugar and fat, neither of which I need. Yes, it’s a “shouldn’t” food, and so I have not bought one. And one is the operative word. I only want one, but you can never buy one. I have known that from childhood. They come in a package of two. That is good, I guess, because it has kept me from getting a Twinkie and hating myself afterward, that and Albertson’s ridiculous price for a package of two, $1.79. Who needs it for that kind of money?

But today, when I came out of Honk’s $1.05 store, I saw that a new Hostess/Eddy’s Bread outlet had opened up two doors down. Here’s the thing. I never go to Honk’s. I don’t like it in there, but today I needed a cheap picture frame, and they had it. For $1.05.

Anyway, I went to the outlet store. I said to the nice lady who asked if she could help me, “Yes, get me out of here without a Twinkie.” She smiled in a way that made clear to me she did not understand. After all, why would a person come into a place like that unless she wanted to buy something? Good question.

I could have turned right around and walked out, but I went down the aisle. Twinkies galore, but $.75 a package was still too much for me, and besides, as I have already said, I only wanted one Twinkie, not two. Okay, I thought, it’s meant to be. No Twinkie.

About to leave unTwinkied, I looked up and saw that they had a manager’s special featuring a box of 10 Twinkies for $.99, and I, the bargain-loving daughter of my father, just about had to go for that. Didn’t I?

I reasoned I could eat one Twinkie. I argued against that, wondering how likely it was I would do such a thing. I reasoned I could give nine Twinkies to Lola and her boys, but they are all cutting back on their consumption of such foods. I reasoned again that I’m in charge here. I can eat just one Twinkie if that’s what I make up my mind to do. I quit reasoning and took the box up to pay for it.

And guess what! They gave me a second box free. That was the surprise special deal. Oh my. So now I have 20 Twinkies. And all for $.99. What a bargain. What a fix I’m in. Twenty Twinkies. Well, 19 now.

I did call Lola. She said, no thanks, Mom.

I could throw them away. It’s only 99 cents. Right? But I’m not going to. I have put them in my freezer, all 19 of them (okay, it's down to 17, but I didn't eat those other two). Happily, they freeze well. Lola said they do. She said, “Sure, Mom. Freeze ‘em." Then she said something about having a nice spongy treat for people when they come over. I think she was kidding. I have never offered a frozen Twinkie to a guest. Not yet, anyway.