Preparation for Mammogram

Because some of the women in my family are approaching the age--now advised as 50, not 40--when they will, or should, have their first mammogram. I present the following helps.

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.  By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared.  And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise #1

Freeze two metal bookends overnight.

Strip to the waist.

Invite a stranger into the room.

Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Actually, you should have the stranger do it.

Repeat on other breast.

Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
Better yet, get a different stranger. Shouldn't be hard.

Exercise #2

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box.

Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds.

Turn and do the other breast.

Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective.

Exercise #3 (Should be done in winter)

Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect.

Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of your car.

Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.

Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Congratulations! You are now prepared for your mammogram.

Seriously, as we say these days, the latest information I can find suggests that women at high risk for breast cancer should probably get a mammogram starting at age 40 and go every year for about 15 years. I hope that is no one I know.