While We're On the Subject of Things Medical

5/8/96 Wednesday, the day I didn't die.
I went for my allergy shots, one in each arm, as usual. I used to go every week, and for the last four or five weeks I had been on the same level dose: .4 cm of 1/100 serum. When I asked why, the nurse told me it was the dr's decision, get me through the spring and summer before moving up. Hmph, I thought, at this rate it will years before I get to maintenance level.

My reactions to the shots had been minimal, a hive, some swelling around the injection site. So I thought I might not stay the required 15 minutes in the office, for my safety, awaiting a reaction or no reaction. But I decided I would stay. Good thing. It wasn't even one minute after the shots that I began feeling strange in my head, flushed, ears throbbing, something moving through me very fast. I went back in to the nurse immediately and said, "Hey, I think something's. . ." but didn't finish.

She got her Adrenalin out and prepared to inject me. I asked her to wait a minute--I don't know why. Then I began feeling faint and dizzy, my heart beating fast--I thought--short of breath. She took me across the hall into the drs' office and had me get up on an examining table. I was frightened and told her so.

Another nurse came in. They laid me back on the table and bent my knees. Someone ran and got the dr. He asked if they had given me the Adrenalin. No. Give it to her, he shouted, .3. I said, "Will it make my heart beat faster? It feels like my heart is beating very fast now." I don't know all that he answered, but they gave me the shot. I couldn't breathe lying down and asked if I could sit up. No, they told me, my blood pressure was too low and they needed it to come up before I could sit.

Four or five people were in the room with me. He ordered a shot of Tagamet and the sensor put on my finger. Then he dropped the machine the sensor was hooked to and swore. I think that's when I told him I was trying to be calm. I think I had a fear that they could not save me and they knew it. But I was lying there, with a very clouded mind, not sure but wondering if this was the last thing I would know on this earth, here in a room full of strangers, not loved ones. Maybe this was my time, but how could it be? It couldn't, too much to do, too many people. But I realized I was helpless and not in charge of anything and it was happening.

Someone brought in a machine that had a respirator with some kind of vapor coming out. I was to sit up now and inhale that. As they raised me everything got worse. My ears were pounding, my mind was numb. I was going to die and I was terribly frightened of it. Nothing I could do. It's like, I think now, when I watched Alyce slipping away in the hospital. But we took care of that and saved her. Maybe these people couldn't save me.

They put the respirator in my hand. I couldn't see. Everything was moving, blurring. I said I was afraid I was going to die, took one breath, tried to take another, and dropped the thing.

Next I knew I opened my eyes and was on my back again with my lower body propped up. I could breathe better, I was sweating now a little, whereas before I had been cold. A nurse was giving me another shot of Adrenalin, .2 this time. Something had happened to save me, and I knew I would not die.

In that time between when I dropped the respirator and when I awoke, something or someone happened. It was like I went somewhere, not for long, and there was someone. I could almost see the person, but I cannot be sure what really happened or who it was, maybe my mother or Lola or Ann. It isn't clear. I didn't look down on myself from above, like people talk about, but when I passed out--that's what they said I did--something was suddenly okay. I was okay. And someone was in my mind. Whoever it was had blond hair.

Before very long I began to feel pretty good. I don't know when they called Wayne, but soon he came to drive me home. We left my car in the parking lot.

I went home. If I thought about the whole thing, I cried, and I'm not sure why. Richard called and I cried. Lola came and I cried.

Dr Ganier called not long after I got home. His nurse called an hour later. I thanked them. I know they were scared. I could feel that throughout the whole incident.

The questions I had clinically concerned the fact that both times I experienced a systemic reaction, I had been taking an antibiotic, Trimox. Of course, Dr Ganier said, "Theoretically there's no indication that blah, blah, blah," whatever all that was. But you'll never convince me. So I quit The Trimox, and thought I should quit the allergy shots, too.

For a long while afterward I felt closely connected to something way beyond my self. I thanked my Heavenly Father for my life that day. Still do.